| 作者 |
 我是否应该为了我自己走出我无爱的婚姻？ |
 |
| 所跟贴 |
我是否应该为了我自己走出我无爱的婚姻？ -- shagua - (3469 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 04:24 (2806 reads) |
alias
头衔: 海归上校
加入时间: 2004/03/11
文章: 779
海归分: 77951
|
|
|
作者：alias 在 海归茶馆 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
是一婚姻心理书籍的书名.
婚姻陷入“合之无味, 分之可惜”的惯式是几乎不可避免的,但是这个惯式的持续时间应该可以被控制. 如果你发现真的不能从这个惯式中跳出来, 那就从这个情感关系中跳出来吧. 没有什么东西真的是食之无味弃之可惜的.
下面这段是这本书的前言 --
Too good to leave, too bad to stay
The weekend is up, and you haven't anything planned — one simply wants to cap a stressful week with a night home, lounging in front of the tube, while the other wants to cap an equally stressing week by having some drinks with common friends. So what happens — like the weekend before, you two simply go your separate ways for the night. After all, isn't that what space and individuality are all about? Forget about the fact that neither of you calls the other anymore during the day; after all, it can quite embarrassing talking to your partner on the office phone with mates stealthily eavesdropping to try and catch you in a mushy moment. None of that matters — a night out without each other is supposed to be the true test of trust, right?
Sound familiar to you? If the answer is yes, then I would have to say that you are in somewhat of a bind — the "too good to leave, to bad to stay bind". Most long-term couples who aren't married face this bind at some point in their shared lives. No one may be beating you to a pulp, but then again you may not be shouting and singing the joys of your love life from the highest rooftops either. A part of you begins toying with the idea of leaving, or doing something so outrageous as to catch the other person's attention, but something always seems to inexorably draw you back. Are you a masochist, or an infidel?
Neither. The first thing you should know about this paradoxical bind is that it is NORMAL. As we grow older and more comfortable in our relationships, we have to realize one important thing: familiarity does breed contempt, at least sometimes. When two people begin to spend so much time together, the risk is that a relationship transforming from a romantic sexual connection into a safe and relational one (in short, sibling-like). As the days progress into weeks, and the weeks progress into months, and the months progress into years, you two are no doubt growing closer and closer, but the limits of that closeness have got to be clearly defined.
One thing we all have to remember is that when one is involved in a long term, serious but not really wanting to admit how serious-relationship, one makes the decision to stay involved. People don't just stumble and fall — if they did, then wouldn't that just be an accident? But not realizing that relationships are decisions, people tend to fall into this common bind. When relationships fall into set routines and habits, it's easier to justify staying in a relationship — after all, nothing really seems to be wrong with it, right? But you're neither happy nor unhappy, but that's still a no-win situation. At the back of your head is always the knowledge that you could be happier.
Relationships are like the main attraction in a circus — you can't wait to see that man in the shiny, ultra-cheezy leotard walk the tightrope. And when he finally does get on the damn thing, you're holding your breath until he makes it safely to the other side. In that sense, relationships are all about balancing the good and bad. Space and individuality are good and healthy, but they shouldn't interfere or even replace your life together as a couple. Here are some things I learned from the various balancing acts I've watched in the last couple of years:
Learn to Share Things — and I don't mean your toys, although that could generate a lot of fun! You should have a separate activities that allow you to recuperate on your own (shopping, golf) and you should have activities that you can do together (dinners with other couples, movie watching). If you still feel that you have no common thread binding you, play around with these combinations. For instance, you can agree to do one activity with your partner to his/her liking, provided he/she does the same for you. That's compromising.
Learn to Accept What the Other is Offering — more often than not, we stay stuck in this bind because we refuse to accept the other person's limitations and capabilities. If something we want is not given in the way we want it given, we sometimes choose to ignore the offering completely. Again, this about compromise. More than learn our partner's ways, we've got to accept and adjust to them. Learn to take cues and be perceptive to subtle signs that show your partner's efforts.
Do Not Think too Much — this is for you women out there. I know women have a tendency to think and over-analyze every single detail, simple because American self-help books promoted this thing called "closure". Complete BS, if you ask me. Thinking too much actually creates mountains out of anthills. Women, learn to let go of things you don't understand. Pick your battles, because if you make everything a battle, then he's just going to tune you out.
Be More Patient — this is for you men, on the other hand. Understand that a woman's thinking is circular, not linear. This does not mean that your partner is talking in circles, but rather, she sees an interconnection of events and instances. Understanding this can explain why she may seem to go off tangent at times. The absolute worst thing to do is tune her out, because you're simply opening another can of worms.
Falling into the "too good to leave, to bad to stay" rut is inevitable, but the time spent in that rut is controllable. If you find that you can't get out of the rut, then get out of the relationship. Nothing is ever really too good to leave yet too bad to stay.
作者：alias 在 海归茶馆 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
|
|
|
| 返回顶端 |
|
 |
|
-
 我是否应该为了我自己走出我无爱的婚姻？ -- shagua - (3469 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 04:24 (2806 reads) - 我的看法 -- oooops - (522 Byte) 2004-10-30 周六, 08:06 (484 reads)
- Too good to leave, too bad to stay -- alias - (5626 Byte) 2004-10-26 周二, 08:51 (514 reads)
- 他人的想法，供参考 -- 翠花 - (144 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 13:26 (629 reads)
- 天下乌鸦一般黑 -- 找 北 - (173 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 12:20 (618 reads)
- agree. -- ps2 - (97 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 20:36 (379 reads)
- 但求最好问的妙 -- 狼协 - (84 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 13:02 (453 reads)
- 为什么 -- babyblue - (242 Byte) 2004-10-25 周一, 11:25 (394 reads)
|
|
|
|
您不能在本论坛发表新主题, 不能回复主题, 不能编辑自己的文章, 不能删除自己的文章, 不能发表投票, 您 不可以 发表活动帖子在本论坛, 不能添加附件不能下载文件, |
|
|
